Insight

Again I will use this for my personal thoughts and give you a small window into my head. Let me first share my Zen calendar page from Tuesday:

"Are you afraid of this happiness?" - The Buddha

Have you ever thought about this yourself? After reading this today (I was a few pages behind on my calendar) I started thinking about this. I have been very freaked out lately about a certain person in my life. This person has a direct impact on me. Have you ever had something you have wanted for years and years then you finally get it? What do you do? I have spent 8 years wanting something so badly then by some act of fate (and yes I do believe in fate, karma, whatever) I got it. Now I am not sure how to flip that switch back the other way. I poured so much into the "getting" part I am having difficulty switching to the "you got it, now enjoy it fool" part. I have been deeply in love with my soul mate (call it cheesy, but I don't know how else to explain it). From the minute we met 9 years ago we have had a connection that is unreal, we have been best friends ever since, he was my coach when my daughter was born, etc. We dated for a short time but we were both immature so we broke it off. We both dated other people over the years but kept a close friendship and recently went out to celebrate or 8th anniversary of breaking up - it was a good laugh. All I ever wanted was for us, as adults now, to give it a mature, honest try because we both acknowledge this weird connection we have. So now we are back together and I am having difficulty functioning. It is wonderful and I am so happy but I am terrified to be close to someone. I have never "needed" anyone, in my mind it is a weakness to "need", I have been fiercely independent my whole life and it is hard to let him help me. He is a wonderful man, my children love him and he loves me deeply, in fact he is the only person outside my family I know without a doubt loves me unconditionally. So I have these moments I want to "run, forest, run" with no reason other than to prevent being close. Why?? I am a control freak. In my warped mind if I let someone in that gives them power over me, power to hurt me and I have kept a thick wall around myself my whole life to prevent that. So I guess in a way I am so used to being alone and stressed out and with my wall that I really am afraid of the happiness. It is all so stupid and I am glad he knows all of this about me and is patient about it.

All of this leads me to another quote form the Zen calendar:

"Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow" - Margaret Fuller

So I must take root in the happiness and grow with it.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my mind today. Have a good day.