Christmas sadness

It is Christmas time and I am sad. December has been crap, not just for me but for just about every one I have talked to. Chritmas is not what it was years ago. People do not have the "Christmas spirit" anymore, people are rude and selfish and materialistic and it has gotten out of control. So many people are out of work and broke I am sure they are stressed out because everything that has come to be "expected" at Christmas. I am so stressed out it is maddening. This present thing has just ballooned, I am about ready to give up for next year and just do nothing. In reality I can't do that because I have children. So, I will get over it and move on.

I also had a small arguement last night which I will not go into all details with because it is too many years of things building up. I will say that one of my sisters told me I "should try thinking of Dad." I do not know which one said it, but that was extremely hurtful. I stopped myself from saying back what I wanted to because it was not the time or the place for it. Unless you know some of the background, you will not understand why this was so hurtful.

So anyway, I was up until 2 am crying and thinking about my father. You people who are reading this will never understand the sadness and torment I have about my father and the things I will never get resolved. I wish I could share a lot more of my life on here, but it would not be appropriate at this time. Anyway, the one thing I kept thinking about last night is how much I matter to my dad. I am sure at some point everyone wonders if they matter, I just wonder more specifically at times. I have made some questionable choices in my life as all people have and I know he has been disappointed with some of them (although he would never say it). My two children have different fathers and I was not married to either one. This, of course has compelled some people to pass judgement on me and I have heard some pretty rude comments. I am responsible, I own a house, I go to work everyday and do my best and my children are happy, well behaved, well cared for and above all very loved by many people. I have said hurtful things to people out of anger and I have also passed judgements on people when I have no right to. I do not claim to be a saint, but I am a good person. I do what I can for other people and I try to be conciderate. The point of all this rambling is I will never truely know if my Dad is proud of me, proud of the kind of person I am, the kind of mother I am. You can all say "I'm sure he is" but it should be the kind of thing you tell your children without being prompted, without having to be asked. I will never know where I stand with my Dad, I mean truely where I stand and what he thinks and how he feels about me. It makes me sad, especially because time is short. I am not saying my Dad doesn't love me - he is just very introverted as you all know. He does not share his feelings. I am the kind of person that always hugs my kids and I cuddle with them, tell them I love them and praise them often. When I get harsh with my kids it is the first sign I am way too stressed out. I am much more extroverted and people always know where they stand with me - good or bad and I want the same from others. I really wish I could share much much more, but I cannot at this time out of respect. I probably should not have shared this much because this blog is for updating on Dad and not about me. But I guess I am sitting in the big chair and I ultimately I can type what I want. This also fits with what I am always nagging about - time is short, value what is truely improtant.

And so, again, I say hug your family and friends. Tell them you appreciate them.

If I do not update before his next appointment on the 28th, have a Merry Christmas!