I thought I would start posting nice things I have read for lack of anything else...
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
"I still find each day too short for all the thoughtsI want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friendsI want to see."
So there are two thoughts for you today. On a side note, I love Halloween.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Giving up...
Some of you have expressed worry for me and my well being and although I appreciate it, what I go through is so small compared to everyone else. That is why I often try to keep this objective. It is hard for me to let people into my head and to share what I truely feel. I do a very good job at keeping things in but sometimes even I need a release. As I have said I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, I don't have many people I am close enough to feel safe enough to confide in. I am going to share some of the things in my head because I need to. I just had a conversation that has stirred up some things again. So I have decided that this is my mental arena today.
This may be treading where I shouldn't and I don't want to upset anyone, especially my dad. I am going to be very honest with the understanding this may be misinterpreted by some, so here I go...
I wonder, how long can a person deal with illness? How long can one function knowing their body is giving up the fight? I wonder often what is really in dad's head. As most of you know he keeps these things to himself. I wonder if he is sick of fighting. I wonder if he is fighting the fight for the rest of us. I wonder if he is just plain tired. Sometimes I feel like I need to give him permission to go ahead and be tired, give up if you want - it's ok, nobody will think you're a sissy. I feel like I am being disrepectful to life in some way when I secretly wonder if dealth would be a welcome thing when you fight so hard for so long.
There is part of me that wants this to be over, not because I want him to go but because it is so hard to watch it. At times I don't know which way is worse. I watched my grandfather die of lung cancer ten years ago, however he was gone in three weeks - barely enough time for the diagnosis to sink in, let alone deal with any kind of acceptance. The way it is going now is like watching the same thing in super slow motion. The good side to that (if there is one) is time to try to cope and try to accept it and also to remember that life can be taken at any time, to savor every moment. I have talked about this many times before. I lose sight of it too often lately. Life is very easy to worry about and it is very easy to let things that really don't matter in the big picture consume you in the everyday.
I find myself in limbo a lot in the last year. I have been so sad at times I want to sit in a heap and cry for days and other times (like recently) something happens and I want to be happy.
All of this is in the back of my mind and I feel guilty for letting myself cram this cancer stuff down to try to savor certain moments. Sometimes it is very hard for me to walk this fine line between the strong person I know I am and the scared little girl whose father is dying. I would rather not show my weakness to anyone. But I guess now I have.
So there is a snippit into my head - not a place I would recommend for a vacation or even a lunch break. Who knows if this will make people worry more about me or maybe understand the amount of sh*t swirling in my head at any given moment. Rest assured I will be fine, I promise. I am a strong person. At this point I just needed to type. Maybe I will create another blog for me so this one can remain objective. Who knows. And now I will stop typing because I really should be working instead of depressing myself and all of you.
Please spend your time and energy holding onto what is important to you.
This may be treading where I shouldn't and I don't want to upset anyone, especially my dad. I am going to be very honest with the understanding this may be misinterpreted by some, so here I go...
I wonder, how long can a person deal with illness? How long can one function knowing their body is giving up the fight? I wonder often what is really in dad's head. As most of you know he keeps these things to himself. I wonder if he is sick of fighting. I wonder if he is fighting the fight for the rest of us. I wonder if he is just plain tired. Sometimes I feel like I need to give him permission to go ahead and be tired, give up if you want - it's ok, nobody will think you're a sissy. I feel like I am being disrepectful to life in some way when I secretly wonder if dealth would be a welcome thing when you fight so hard for so long.
There is part of me that wants this to be over, not because I want him to go but because it is so hard to watch it. At times I don't know which way is worse. I watched my grandfather die of lung cancer ten years ago, however he was gone in three weeks - barely enough time for the diagnosis to sink in, let alone deal with any kind of acceptance. The way it is going now is like watching the same thing in super slow motion. The good side to that (if there is one) is time to try to cope and try to accept it and also to remember that life can be taken at any time, to savor every moment. I have talked about this many times before. I lose sight of it too often lately. Life is very easy to worry about and it is very easy to let things that really don't matter in the big picture consume you in the everyday.
I find myself in limbo a lot in the last year. I have been so sad at times I want to sit in a heap and cry for days and other times (like recently) something happens and I want to be happy.
All of this is in the back of my mind and I feel guilty for letting myself cram this cancer stuff down to try to savor certain moments. Sometimes it is very hard for me to walk this fine line between the strong person I know I am and the scared little girl whose father is dying. I would rather not show my weakness to anyone. But I guess now I have.
So there is a snippit into my head - not a place I would recommend for a vacation or even a lunch break. Who knows if this will make people worry more about me or maybe understand the amount of sh*t swirling in my head at any given moment. Rest assured I will be fine, I promise. I am a strong person. At this point I just needed to type. Maybe I will create another blog for me so this one can remain objective. Who knows. And now I will stop typing because I really should be working instead of depressing myself and all of you.
Please spend your time and energy holding onto what is important to you.
Friday, October 05, 2007
One person's not bad is another person's EWWW!
So we are in the oncologists office and Dad mentions he has another one of his x-file worhty sores so the Dr. takes a look. Dad says "it's getting better, it's not so bad any more" and take off the guaze to show the Dr. The Dr. says "EWWWW!". So two very different reactions to the same thing....which makes me wonder what it looked like when Dad thought it was bad. After saying that, I remind everyone as you read that perception and relativity are both important - especially in a lingering illness such as cancer.
Now for the update from the appointment. Very good news..there is no new growth and even some very minor decrease in a couple of the soft tissue tumors (liver, lungs, etc.), no new lymph nodes are involved that can be seen. His head scan was negative again, so unfortunately Dad's brain is still missing....ha ha. They did an MRI of his pelvis and tops of his femors (thigh bones) because he has been having more pain there. He does have tumors throughout his pelivs bone and in the tops of his femors, which in itself is not new, but it is thought that the disease has progressed in his bones but it is not know to what extend. He opted against radiation on his hios at this point, he says the pain is tolerable. I am kind of glad for that, I really don't think the radiation helped much last time and it knocked him down.
So I am content with the news, I think anytime we are "maintaining" and not losing ground is all we can hope for.
He still gets the Zometa (bone hardener) & the Avastin every three weeks as maintenance, this will continue for at least another three months or until we need to start something else. They will do another CT scan to check progress around the end of December or sooner if needed.
So now we wait and hope he maintains for a while. As always keep up the thoughts & prayers, we still need them!
Now for the update from the appointment. Very good news..there is no new growth and even some very minor decrease in a couple of the soft tissue tumors (liver, lungs, etc.), no new lymph nodes are involved that can be seen. His head scan was negative again, so unfortunately Dad's brain is still missing....ha ha. They did an MRI of his pelvis and tops of his femors (thigh bones) because he has been having more pain there. He does have tumors throughout his pelivs bone and in the tops of his femors, which in itself is not new, but it is thought that the disease has progressed in his bones but it is not know to what extend. He opted against radiation on his hios at this point, he says the pain is tolerable. I am kind of glad for that, I really don't think the radiation helped much last time and it knocked him down.
So I am content with the news, I think anytime we are "maintaining" and not losing ground is all we can hope for.
He still gets the Zometa (bone hardener) & the Avastin every three weeks as maintenance, this will continue for at least another three months or until we need to start something else. They will do another CT scan to check progress around the end of December or sooner if needed.
So now we wait and hope he maintains for a while. As always keep up the thoughts & prayers, we still need them!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Rock on!!
So...for lack of anything better to post at the moment I thought I would share this picture from a very exclusive concert I went to. I am their biggest fan of course. Dad has an Oncology appointment tomorrow morning to find out the results of his latest scans. I will post after that.
Have a good day and cross your fingers!
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